The Truth about the Act of Kissing
by Pochettino
Summary: Seriously, Alfred wondered why everyone is so fond of kissing. He had tried to kiss Arthur, and it tasted like a freaking tea for Pete's sake! USUK fluffy one-shot.


Perfection, is a state of completeness and flawlessness. A state in which an item or a person is so good, that nothing could ever be better than that.

A state in which an item or a person have attained its purpose. Whole, unblemished, blameless, unreproveable, righteous, absolute, undefiled, and just too... _Surreal_ to be compared.

For millions of years, people had tried to strive for perfection. A perfect life, a perfect spouse, a perfect job, a perfect plan, and the list continued itself until finally, humans realized... Although a little bit to late, that perfection is unattainable.

Alfred had also realized that, of course. No matter how childish he may act, but he is, on the contrary of many beliefs, _not_ stupid.

But dear God, forgive him for blaspheming, how could humans be this stupid...? How could they, even after millions of years of experience, still can't get a single fact right..? Are they just too stubborn, too idiotic, or just simply a bit slow in the brain department..?

You want to know what is this one fact..?

Well first of all, It plainly amazed him on how humans could be so oblivious to some facts, no matter how obvious it is. You could try tell them millions of times, you could shove the fucking thing on their faces, and you could even use a super hi-tech machine or something like that to stuff the truth inside of their brains, and they will still don't get it.

Geez, like he said earlier, how stubborn (or thick-headed) could they actually be...?

Not that he's implying that humans are stupid. Some of them are pretty cool fellows, especially that Kojima dude who created the most awesome game called Metal Gear So―

_Ehrmm_, Let's just go back to the topic.

And so, the main reason that he's this annoyed is only one.

That is, ladies and gentlemen, a kiss.

Yes, you heard him right. _A kiss_.

A single fucking _kiss_.

Ahaha, you guys must be one of those too thick-headed humans if you don't know what is wrong with the act of kissing. Seriously, don't you ever think it's a little bit weird...? Even if it's just for a second...? Even if it's just for a tiny bit..?

No...?

Oh come on, how could pressing your lips with your couple be romantic..? And that French Kiss thing that is even worse. Tongues dancing and swirling and― Arghh! Stop with disturbing mental images, will you! Damn perverts and their overactive imaginations.

Holy Christ, it's practically the same with exchanging spit. Drool. Saliva. Whatever you want to call them. It's still the same thing that can be describe by one word.

_Gross_.

Screw you guys if you say that only a child doesn't know the "sacred" act called kissing. Alfred isn't a young greenhorn, nor there was a pole stuck in his ass, but he also didn't understand what's so good about kissing.

In fact, he never never ever wanted to know. Because if he does, he's afraid that he's just not... Sane anymore.

So why, why, why, (he's getting desperate here) and why... Do you guys enjoy it so much..? Be it you who did that with your lovers, or even you who were watching it on films, or even reading it in a fucking cheesy romance novels. You guys, especially the ladies, practically squealed and fainted every time there's a kissing scene. No offense, but I think you guys have to go check your mental stability at the nearby psychiatrist.

And you know what..? Those film makers and romance novelist aren't make it any better.

Pfffth, seriously guys. Do you believe it when they said that kisses tasted sweet...? Okay, it doesn't have to be sweet. Be it like lemon, grape, strawberries, tomatoes, potatoes, mint, spices, candies or even a damn sausage, you name them all.

Are we talking about some delicacies, or about the art of sharing spit..? Come on guys, be realistic for once. Listen, what kind of saliva tasted like hamburgers...? (Alfred read some of Kiku's doujinshis about him, and somehow many of them described that the nation's kiss tasted like burgers)

Well, at least it was hamburger. Hamburgers are tasty. Alfred would have to wring the damn author's neck if he/she said his kiss tasted like disgusting things.

Like Iggy's famous killer scones, for an instance. But we'll save that discussion for later.

And because he was curious, he also try to read this "fan fiction" thingies about him. And God, he was so petrified that he swore he would never see the anime industry in the same way anymore.

Seriously, what the hell are you guys..? Some dreamy hormon-deprived teenagers..?

Well, maybe not. But you sure think and act like them. No offense, but it's the truth.

God, Alfred had at least hoped that his people aren't that stupid. That at least most of them thought of things more smartly like their nation did. But sadly for him, it seemed like they are simply the worst of them all.

And of course, being the slowpokes that you guys were, you guys would be asking why by now.

Hollywood movies. Need him to say more..? And what are they called anyway...?

Chick flicks..?

Whatever they are, Alfred was utterly devastated when he found out about that.

To think that a hero's people could be this... Moronic. Maybe the world is bounded to end real soon like they said. Apocalypse is near everyone, brace yourselves! Hide your kids, hide your wives!

... Okay, enough with the sarcasm.

The truth is, a kiss tastes plainly disgusting. Slippery, wet, and tasted like raw flesh. No sugar, no artificial sweetener to make it sweet like what was described on your pathetic fairytales. And it's also zero calorie by the way, for you ladies who are in a diet. So you can smooch yourselves until you all die and be disgusted by the sick taste of it. This hero wish you all to have fun.

This is also sarcasm, in case the brains of you dickheads are dead already from all the kissing.

And don't worry, he didn't say all of this without a scientific proof. He himself had his personal experience with his boyfriend Arthur of course. Just to support his absolutely awesome hypothesis.

...

What...? Don't guys dare to give him those dirty looks! He did not do it because he wanted it.

...

...

Seriously. He did NOT want it. Never once in a million years did he dream to kiss Arthur.

And naturally of course, he did NOT enjoy it even in the slightest bit.

And he mean it..! He's not some kind of... Tsundere like Arthur! (Well, what ever this "Tsundere" means, Kiku said that this term is applied to the likes of Arthur. And Alfred is definitely _not_ Arthur)

It's so disgusting, okay..? You may not believe this, but if not for this stupid hypothesis, Alfred would never kiss Arthur. No matter how much he loved the guy.

Arthur tasted like _tea_, for Pete's sake. And Alfred hates that vile leaf drink.

Okay, hate is probably too shallow to describe his animosity to the beverage. More like Alfred _despised_ that thing.

And yes, he knew he said that a kiss wasn't supposed to taste like that, but Arthur is just simply an anomaly, he assured you.

That dude is like, a freaking tea God. If he didn't drink that icky substance every 5 minutes, he would go like in a rage mode and turn into like.. A super saiyan 5, or something like that.

He would be like Romano didn't eat tomatoes for one month. Or France didn't proclaim his love to everyone for a month. Or Germany didn't eat his wurst for a year. Or Japan didn't read his stacks of douji―

Okay, what Alfred wants to point out here, is that Arthur just drank too much tea for his own good, that turns out, he tasted like one. He swore it on his hamburgers that he wasn't lying.

What made tea so delicious to the Englishman anyway..? It's bland and it's made from a fucking leaf, for goodness sake. And it was apparently a pure coincidence when the Chinese found tea. That a leaf fell from a plant straight to an old man's boiling water and voila! Tea was born into this world. Alfred thought that was absolutely weird. Why would an old man dare to drink something that turned brown after a leaf fell in it anyway..?

Damn, he always had a suspicion that the person who found the tea was insane on his own. Anyways, enough with this tea discussion. Speaking about the thing was enough to make Alfred's stomach churned with distaste.

And so... All he wanted to say is please don't be tricked by all those pure white lies that a kiss was supposed to be magical. With all the angel feathers fluttering around, electric sparks, butterflies, and all other girly shits like that. He will just frankly say the truth about kissing.

A kiss is gross.

A kiss is disgusting.

And the most important things is, a kiss is just exchanging drool with your partner. Nothing special about it, so don't get your hopes high, everyone.

Because if you do, then you will so disappointed when you fina―

"Alfred..? Why are you zoning out with a sloppy face like that..? The meeting has ended since minutes ago, you bloody git!"

Alfred's clear blue orbs blinked, his gaze meeting with his boyfriend's lush emerald eyes. "It ended already...?" Asked Alfred, rather surprised that his mind babbling lasted quite long. Upon Arthur's weary nod of affirmation, his face broke into a wide grin. "Sweet dude, let's go to Mc Donald's now! I'm starving like hell already." He exclaimed to Arthur, dragging the shorter nation out from the meeting room. Arthur just sighed, knowing fully that whatever his answer is, his former colony will force him to tag along anyway. So it's better for him to just reserve his energy and let himself being dragged anywhere the younger lad wanted.

Alfred, in the other time, still continued to think about his earlier thoughts.

You guys know what...? Alfred found another thing that disturbed him.

Despite all those disgustingness (Yeah, yeah. Alfred knows that is not a word, but he just loved adding "-ness" to a word), somehow Alfred still found that his theory isn't perfect yet.

Because there's just this single contradiction with all of his supposed-to-be-perfect kissing theory.

Because even if Arthur's kiss is disgusting, slippery, wet, drool-exchanging shit, and tea flavored...

Alfred didn't know why, but he always craves more for that crap.

... Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, **wait...**

W-W-What the hell did he just―

His body immediately stilled upon realizing what he just thought, making Arthur bumped to his back because of the sudden halt. Arthur cursed mildly, rubbing his now slightly sore nose.

Alfred might not notice it, but his body is hard enough to make anyone that collided with him hurt.

"Bloody hell Alfred, why the heck do you stop in the middle of the fucking street...?" Arthur hissed at the dazed man, yanking his arm so that they continued walking, although in much a slower pace. Figures, since Alfred is much bigger, and heavier than the Briton. Alfred blinked once more, eyes drifting to the Englishman's pair of pink soft lips.

Well... So maybe a kiss is not as good as everyone said. And it was plainly disgusting.

"You know what Artie..? Let's just go back to the hotel now. I have a rather... Urgent matter to discuss with you." Alfred's face slowly formed a smirk, ignoring the confused look from the British because of his sudden change of mind.

But it doesn't mean that Alfred couldn't have a little bit fun with his boyfriend once in a while, no...?

Alfred's grin stretched wider when the hotel is in his sight. Thank God the Mc'D is just a few blocks away from it, because Alfred isn't famous for his patience at all. The faster they arrive at their room, the better.

After all, a red flustered Arthur is just too fun to tease.

* * *

><p>::: AN :::

What is this I don't even...

Gah, crappy ending I know. This idea just suddenly popped in my mind, and it also made me wonder why kissing is romantic. Pffth, yeah yeah, I'm a pretty insensitive bastard. But seriously, the prospect of exchanging saliva isn't really bright to me. I guess I'll find out latter when I have a lover OTL

Anyways, thank you for reading this crappy fic of mine. The first story I posted in this fandom, and also the first fic I posted using this account, lol. In case of you guys wondering why I have 2 accounts, I can't access my old account since a week ago, so I just resorted in making a new one. Forgive me for my crappy grammar, and if you guys have a correction for me, feel free to drop it in! Critics and flames are also welcomed, so I can get better. The latter is only because I'm such a pyromaniac, lololol. 8D

Oh yeah, I don't own hetalia btw. But I think everyone knew this already since I practically didn't sound like someone who could create such a magnificent thing~

Lastly, reviews! I gobble them like they're a freaking steak lol, so please do drop some. I-I'll give you some cookies! (See how desperate I am, pffth) xP

Best regards,

Santa Kim.


End file.
